What Is Happening….

I guess i will do something a little different tonight…

I don’t usually go off on long rants about things, but sometimes things just bother me a lot more than they should and i need to say something about it or chew someone out!

What I’m talking about is those times when you are talking to someone and you try to start a conversation and ask ‘whats up?” and they just say “nothin.” They don’t even ask what you are doing in return or ask how you are; you just get a one word answer. When i talk to my friends, i refer to them as OWAs

Now let’s get this straight: If i spend 5 minutes of my time writing out a long message about how i’m feeling or about how my day went or im trying to have a decent conversation with you, i expect a decent answer back; one with at least a full sentence! But no, i end up getting a half hours worth of “haha,” lol,” and “yeah.” Why don’t i just go talk to a brick wall something? At least then i would know why it doesn’t answer back with anything.

I was basically pouring my heart out to you tonight, but you were to busy or too uninterested to care to write back something to validate my feelings. You could have given me more than one word. You could have given me two. You could have said you loved me and i would have had three. I just want you to care! I want you to reciprocate with me.

I understand you are under some stress at work too, but why cant it just stay at work? Why cant you come home to me as yourself? Lately, all we do is fight because when you come home, you’re irritable and cranky and wont even talk to me about your day and rip my head off when i ask you any questions about it. I just want to know what’s going on in your life to understand why you’re acting the way you are.

When you get upset, you also clam up and shut the rest of the world out, including me. I am your fiance, shouldn’t i be the one person you let in even when you shut everyone else out? when you shut me out, you stop talking to me altogether, even when i say something to you. That makes for a lot of silent dinners or quiet, moody car rides which usually result in one or both of us crying. When you stop talking to me, I start to miss you… Even though most of the time you are right by my side, i miss you because even though you’re there, a part of you is missing.

i hope this is just temporary and it will fix itself soon, because right now, I’m starting to wear away, and I’m getting more fragile. i don’t know if i can fight with you or miss you for the rest of my life…

I just don’t know if I can do it…

The Mid-Semester Blues

Exams…

Great, here we go again; my least favourite part of school. In my opinion, I think we should be taught to do things in our own field of work and pick things up as we go. My first real job was as a cashier at Safeway; you start off doing a brief computer introduction to the business, and then you get to start training right away. You don’t have to go through all these courses and write all these tests to see if you are good enough. They will start to train you and see if you are good enough instead.

One thing I don’t understand about tests is why we have to write them. If we are given homework assignments and they are always completed and graded, then it should accepted that we probably know the material right? So why stress us out by making a large test or exam that we need to prepare all week for? Do they want us to just get stressed out and give us another chance to fail? Exams are meant to test our knowledge, but they have been doing that the whole time, now they are just making things harder.

It’s also not just the fact that I have an exam to study for; it is the fact that I ALWAYS have a test to study for. It feels like there is a test every week, and right around now is midterm time and some of us have two or three exams per week. I wish that school would teach us and we could do our homework and that would be that; no tests, no exams, no large projects worth one hundred billion marks and 80% of our final grade. 

The numbers and the sheer volume of work involved with everything is enough to make someone crack. Sure, you could say “just take it one course at a time, take a step back.” Well that would be easy if I didn’t have three courses to be worrying about at the same time. If I only dealt with one course, then I would fail two others, so that isn’t an option.

Here we go… Exams…

 

Here we go…

 

I’ve just started a completely new chapter in my life. I left home to go to university. I’m going to school so I can become a Respiratory Therapist. People always ask me what that is. What do I tell them? I keep it basic and tell them I will be some sort of lung doctor and will help people breathe. I am excited to be starting this new chapter in my life, but there are a few things I am not quite sure about. I’m away from home for the first time and I’m living alone for the first time, and that scares me.

I can’t believe I’ve moved away from home. I have spent my entire life on the island, never coming to the mainland for more than a few days, let alone living here for 3 years. Everything is so different here. The heat, the thunderstorms, the smell of the air, the people and the wildlife are all so different, so new. The island had fairly constant weather each season. In the summer, it was mostly sunny and in the winter, rain almost every day, and I was okay with that. Here, you don’t know what is going to happen: In the morning, it may be sunny outside so you decide to wear shorts, but an hour or two later it could be pouring rain and thunder and lightning could be ripping the sky apart. I’m all for trying something new, but this is a lot of new things coming at me all at once; It is all a little hard for me to handle.  There are plenty of new people here too, and i don’t really know anyone yet. I have met my roommates and a few classmates, but i still feel very alone here.

My sister used to live up here in Kamloops when she was going to school to become a Respiratory Therapist, but she never mentioned how hard it is to live alone. I am living in a dorm with 3 other males who i have never met in my life, and i only really speak to one of them. The other two seem to either spend all their time in their rooms or are out somewhere. My sister also never talked about what it was like to move somewhere and leave all of your friends behind. I am someone who values friendship dearly and to not have my friends close is very hard for me, even if we didn’t see each other very much when i was still living at home. I regret not spending more time with them in the past few months. How am i supposed to survive the next few years without them close-by? I am sure i will make some friends throughout me time here, but i will always miss my old friends back home. To put it bluntly; being alone sucks.

Being away from home and living alone for the first time are definitely experiences people need to have eventually, but that does not mean they will be painless. I have had a hard time adjusting to my new life alone here, but i am getting better every day and maybe i will make more friends and learn to actually like it up here. Change is supposed to be good, but i have been negative about this experience for the past few weeks. I have had a culture shock and have been upset, but I’m willing to try to change that. Not all changes have to be bad, i guess it just depends what attitude you approach them with.